COMMUNICATION
The following are some topics that I will be spending much more time working with in later lessons. So please don’t think that I am not really addressing these issues. They are serious and I do want these issues to become non-existent in your relationships.
What is usually the biggest complaint from women about men?
Men don’t listen! I’ll never forget an example of this in my younger years of marriage. My wife had asked me something while I was watching football and also looking at the paper and she said you never listened to me. Well, I repeated word for word, what she had just said. So why did she think I was not listening? It could be because I was not giving her direct eye contact. Gentlemen, when your women are talking to you, make sure you give them direct eye contact. It shows you’re listening to them. I always told guys you might be thinking of something else, but at least look at her when she’s talking so she believes you’re actually listening. But seriously, yes, give her direct eye contact and let her know that what she has to say is important enough for you to give her your attention.
Three most common mistakes women make.
- She will try to improve his behavior or help him with unsolicited advice.
- She will not acknowledge what he does for her but will complain about what he hasn’t done. This will make him feel unappreciated and taken for granted.
- She will correct his behavior and tell him what to do as if he were a child.
Now let’s look at how you can work on these mistakes.
When it comes to trying to improve his behavior, I found it amazing that a lot of women would tell me that their husbands really didn’t act the way they wanted them to when they were dating. But they believed that they would love them so much when they are married, that when they give them advice on how to change their behavior, they’re going to listen to them.
A good example of this was when I was counseling a woman who was saying her husband was hitting her. I asked her if he did this while they were dating, and she said yes but he promised he would stop once they were married. Ladies, don’t ever believe you will change him once you’re married. If he has qualities, you don’t like when you’re dating, stop dating him and don’t even think of marrying him.
And as for giving advice, and this goes for both women and men, Never Give
Advice Unless It Is Asked For!
No one likes to feel unappreciated. And that goes both ways too. Always look for ways to show the other person how much you appreciate them and what they do to strengthen the marriage.
Almost all men do not want to marry their mother. In other words, don’t go around telling them how to act and correcting them as you would a child.
Three most common mistakes men make.
- He minimizes the importance of her feelings and needs. He makes children and work more important than her.
- He listens, but then gets angry and blames her for upsetting him.
- After listening to her, he says nothing or just walks away.
One of the things you really need to know is this, next to God being the most important relationship you should have, your wife is your next priority. Much more to say in other lessons on communication.
This mistake, number two, happens because he does not know how to communicate and by attacking you he will know you have to withdraw to defend yourself. He’s hoping you will decide that communication is hopeless and you will not continue the conversation.
And mistake three, also goes with someone who has no idea of how to communicate.
Now I want to share a few more topics that I will be discussing in more detail in future lessons.
Always use direct eye contact.
Communicate your feelings.
Eliminate you statements. In other words, try to take the word you out of your vocabulary when you’re talking to someone. Usually when you use it in a communication, it’s like pointing a finger at the person, such as, you never do this, you’re always wrong. You, you, you, take it out of your vocabulary and learn to express your feelings.
Take the words, I’m sorry out of your vocabulary and replace them with, will you forgive me?
Never give advice unless it’s asked for.
Listen without cutting in or arguing.
Use ‘I feel’ statements.
Understand that often what you say is not what the other person hears.
Always use direct eye contact.
Admitting a weakness is a strength.
Give her your shoulder, not your mouth.
Don’t demand share how you feel.
Take time outs and conversation, but make sure you set a time to come back together.
Don’t just tell him the problem suggests solutions.
One verbal negative can wipe out the effects of five or even 20 positives.
Be a teammate and not an enemy.
This list represents some of the many things we’re going to be talking about in the days ahead. So please come back, look for the ones that you need to be paying attention to in your relationship. And then share these with other people. Thank you. God bless.