At the end of the session titled, ‘Communication Dangers’, I said that we would be looking at a technique that would help you to develop strong communication. The technique we’re going to be looking at is called the Speaker, Listener Technique. This is a technique that I learned from a book titled A Lasting Promise, written by Scott Stanley, Daniel Trathen, Savannah McCain and Milt Bryan. It is a structured communication skill that works to build understanding, promotes connection, and minimizes communication danger signs. This technique is often used during times of difficult situations. I have seen hundreds of couples that I’ve worked with use this technique and it really helps them from getting to the point of no communication at all. It helps couples to better talk about issues respectfully, and increases emotional safety, and it helps to maintain oneness. Good communication skills are at the heart of keeping a relationship strong and healthy. And what do I mean by good communication skills? I mean the ability to speak and listen well. To actually be able to express what you want the other person to understand and then to be able to receive what the other person has tried to say. Poorly handled conflicts create so many barriers to oneness in a relationship. If true communication is not taking place in a relationship, one or both of the individuals will want to give up. I’ve worked with so many couples where one of the individuals would say that they were just tired of trying to share how they felt about a situation because the other person just never cared to listen. And the other person would tell me that they were tired of listening to the same stuff all the time because when they tried to give a response, they were always told the response was wrong and they didn’t know what they were talking about. In James 1:19, we read, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. Now that’s great advice, but I’m curious how you would define what it means to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. Take a few minutes to write down your understanding of each phrase. After doing that, then write down your definition of Good Communication. Let’s look at some of the common responses to the ingredients of good communication. Use direct eye contact. Make sure you let the speaker complete their thought and the best way to do that is not butting in with your thoughts or opinions before they finish. Don’t give an insulting response. After listening, do not just get up and walk away, showing great disrespect. Communication really takes place when there’s both talking and listening. Each person needs to know that they were heard. Each person needs to know that it’s safe to actually say what they need to say. Communication is truly taking place when each person understands. what the other person says, and also has been able to give a response to what the other person has said. It’s important to remember in good communication that the speaker and the listener do not have to agree with each other in order to have good communication take place. You are wanting to have the other person hear you and understand why you feel the way you do. And always remember, you never have the right to tell them that they are wrong for feeling that way. Your responsibility is really to try and understand why they feel the way they do. Once you understand what you are working with, the better the chance that you can both work at finding an answer to how to respond to each other. Now go back and look at the 8 things that we just listed earlier that can help good communication. Discuss how you can implement these things when you find yourself in the heat of the moment in a difficult conversation. Do you believe it is possible? Well, get ready to learn that there is a way that it is possible. But before I tell you about what that is, let’s talk about rules for just a moment. Rules! What do you mean rules in communication? Without rules, no healthy communication will take place. And I’m sure, you have already experienced that. Tough conversations will usually end up going directions that neither one of you may ever intend. I’ve talked with so many couples about arguments that they had been involved in and what started them. And often they said, by the time we got to the end of it, we didn’t even remember what had started it. It was probably something so simple that it should never ended up where it ended up. But that’s what happened. So, let’s look at the rules. The first set of rules are for the Speaker. Speak for yourself; don’t mind read. Keep statements brief. Don’t go on and on. Stop to let the Listener paraphrase. Rules for the Listener Paraphrase what you hear. Focus on the Speaker’s message. Don’t rebut. Rules for Both The Speaker has the floor. Speaker keeps the floor while the Listener paraphrases. Share the floor. Remember, you are working together to make communication take place. In the remainder of this lesson, I want to help define the rules. Then next time we get together, I will teach you how to apply the technique. For the Speaker, when you speak for yourself, you must learn to use “I “ statements. You may plan to speak for yourself, but often in a difficult conversation, you end up accusing the other person, blaming them for your feelings or trying to mind read as if you really know what they’re thinking or what they meant last time they said something. And you’re not a mind reader. Don’t ever speak for the other person. They will have time to speak for themselves when they have the floor. And let’s take a minute to define the ‘floor’. The two of you need to agree on what you want to use for the floor. Because the ‘floor’ is an important part of helping you to remember who is the Speaker. Some people will use a small part of carpet, some use other items that they have decided to use such as a stuffed animal, a credit card or a 3×5 card. I highly recommend that you do not use a piece of tile. It could end up being a weapon. To make sure you are using “I” statements, you need to talk about what you feel or think. Talk about how the situation affected you. Try to always take the word “You” out of your vocabulary. Instead of saying, “I got mad because you…..”, It’s better to say, “When I heard the statement, I felt …..”. Here are some reasons why “I” statements make such a positive difference in your communication. They keep the Listener from feeling attacked, they keep the Speaker from mindreading, and they help keep communication specific. In keeping statements brief, it means that you will not dump your whole feelings at once. Being brief means, spending about three to four minutes at the most, to start what you will be discussing. You will keep the ‘floor’ while the listener is paraphrasing. Once they told you what they heard and it’s really not what you said, please let them know that you’re going to restate it again. Don’t tell them that they were stupid and didn’t hear what you were really saying. Remember, you speak different languages and often what you say is not what the other person hears. In healthy communication, Speaking is just half of the process. Now we will look at the Listener and how they can do their part. And in the Speaker Listener Technique, paraphrasing is an important skill that requires a thoughtful re-statement of the Speaker’s message. Paraphrasing is so much more than just hearing the other persons words. The listener is to tell the speaker what they heard them say, not the exact words, but the meaning of the words. And in doing so you may have to ask questions that will help you know how to respond. And remember to always try to take “you “out of your conversation. Such as, “What I heard is…” not, “What you said was…” In paraphrasing, you need to let the speaker know what you heard and also add what you felt the emotions were behind the message. So, look forward to learning how to use this technique and how others have learned from using it.